Smoking and Reading Update

Smoking - it’s going, over physical cravings, still having habitual cravings.

Reading - holidays totally messed up my schedule.  But, I’m back on track now.  Finishing up Arthur Koestler’s Darkness at Noon, started Joshua Ferris’ Then We Came to the End.  I’ll probably wrap up the invisible man when I’m done with Koestler…Not sure what’s after that…

Day 4 Chapter 17 Vol 93 or whatever

Oh sweet merciful christ, I would step on _______ (insert beloved relative’s name here)’s face to get to a cigarette right now.

The cravings are pretty infrequent, but they’re strong like bull when they come on.  Happy thoughts, happy happy thoughts.

Day 1 Vol. 8

Ok.  So i’m trying again.  Quitting smoking, that is.  Cold turkey as usual, using running as my primary motivation.  So it’s day one.  Day one is actually the easiest.  The cravings are so specific and intense that getting through them gives you immediate satisfaction that is almost on par with smoking a cigarette.  It’s the cravings on like day three or four that trip me up. i’m way more susceptible to the subtle psychological cravings on these days.  on day three or four is when you start making tiny bargains in your head that quickly snowball into a purchase.  anyway, i’m going to try to keep this open today and update as needed…..

cravings haven’t been too bad today.  definitely feel a little foggy, mentally speaking.  finding it hard to concentrate, but it’s always hard for me to concentrate, the lack of nicotine is just lightly exascerbating what is my normal state of being.

totally think i’m gonna go through with my tattoo idea at some point.  gonna hurt like a bitch in that area, but it’s going to be very small so whatevers.

another thing i forgot to mention, i’m trying to get through this time without: sucking on anything incessantly, eating chocolate for the endorphins and completely pigging out b/c i’m hungry all the time.

should be a hoot.

the pissiness is coming on now. want to kill…aaaaaaaaaaargh.

forgot one

6. convince myself i can live without something i know i need to let go.

So this is the new year.....

i don’t have any profound thoughts for the new year.  i have goals, that i need to accomplish and things i need to do.  it’s time to get my shit in gear, figure out my life.  think i’m headed down the right path, know i have to do what i’ve always wanted to do.  so…on with the resolutions…err goals:

1. quit smoking for real.  have three left, it’s enough of this shit.
2. run marathon - qualify for boston
3. get back in school
4. start writing a lot again (class starts 2/5)
5. find a healthy relationship, excepting that be good with being alone

Just in Case

Anyone wants to fulfill my christmas wishes, i’ll take one of these in a large. k thx bai.

buy me one goddaaaaammmiiitttttt

It's Sad

Really.  As someone who has been nothing but blessed, never really known hardship of any kind, never experienced tragedy, never truly lacked anything I needed and never lost anyone I cared about…that I have such a bleak outlook on life and humanity is just sad.  Ok, it’s downright pathetic.

Life Goal Numero Dos

Figure out a way to make my office something along the lines of Independents Hall or a fucking coffee shop.  Or a classroom.

Life Goal Numero Uno

Do something big.  Make enough money to live as a crabby old man here:

image courtesy of tonino62